Time is quickly running out on my Summer Vacation. My son returns in just under two weeks, which is going to put a serious halt to my spontaneity, as well as my ability to see Staci on a regular basis. We’ve had several discussions about it, it almost seems like a daily thing, because it is really log-jammed in my brain.
I guess it’s mainly just my insecurity creeping through, but my concern is that she’ll realize it’s not worth it to try and maintain a relationship with me while having to deal with my ridiculous schedule. She insists it won’t be a problem, and when I look at it logically, I’m sure she’s right. We really only see each other once, maybe twice per week as it is – and that’s with me having my open schedule right now. Between spending time with her family (her father, brother and sister all live in the area) and friends, as well as giving her time to do what she needs to do around the house, it’s not like we’ve been seeing each other every day or anything.
The only problem is that once my son returns, we will have to be more deliberate and schedule time together. But again, that’s not a huge change from what we do already. The big change will be on my end having to find someone to watch my son on our date nights. Especially since it is still going to be a while before we start incorporating Staci into events with my son, we will have to set up specific date nights and I’ll have to set up a regular babysitter for that time.
The issue with that is me getting over my guilt. I have a tendency to feel guilty doing things, buying things or taking time for myself. I know I need to take time for myself – all the post-divorce books say so, my friends and family say so, and even Staci says so. I just need to work on it myself.
On with the update …
Things have been going really good. Since last I updated you (when she tried to get me to hang out with her friend), we went to the concert she really wanted to see, last week. Since it was such a big deal for her, I did a little extra work and spent a little extra money to make sure we had excellent seats (within the first ten rows). It was a great night, and she was all over me all night,
I very much like the fact that she is not hesitant about showing her affection for me in public; holding hands, arms around each other, holding each other, and kissing each other – not just pecks, but serious kisses. She initiates it just as much as I do, which is even better.
The next “small leap for man, one giant leap for me” came this weekend. Staci wanted to take me shopping to refresh my wardrobe. My closet definitely needs an update, but I’m a guy, I hate shopping for clothes. To me, if it fits and is comfortable, I don’t see a reason to change.
She said I “already look hot, but would look super hot” with some newer clothes. So I gave her a few hundred dollars and told her to go nuts. We spent about 4+ hours shopping. Though I hate shopping, it was a fun spending that much time with her, and to say there was a lot of flirting is an understatement. She was always wanting me to turn around so she could see my butt in jeans and shorts. She said she really wanted to see me in some specific clothes, and I said I wanted to try on the clothes that she wanted to see me out of. That’s when she rebutted with “Doesn’t that mean the same thing?” And watching her face when I try certain things on was very rewarding and encouraging.
She even joked (how much was joking and how much might be serious is up for debate) that after this (meaning shopping for new clothes) that I would drop her like a bad habit because I would have more/better options available to me now that I would look better going out. Ya, I don’t see that happening. But it was sweet to say.
The only time we disagreed on a purchase was when she wanted to me to get a pair of rather plain khaki shorts. I thought they looked a little simple, and made me look like an old golfer. She loved them on me and insisted and insisted that I get them. So ultimately I said what mattered most what was what she thought about it, not what I thought. If she liked it that much, and it registered on the “Hot and Bothered” meter (which was referenced numerous times during the day – by her), then I might as well get them and wear them sometime when we’re together. I won’t wear them any other time. But I compromised. Ha!
After a long day of shopping, we went back to her house to get ready to go out to dinner with Jack and Amy. I showered while she picked out clothes for me to wear. No, she didn’t pick out the khaki shorts. Once I was ready, and waiting for her, I crashed on her bed for a while because I was exhausted. When she was ready to go, she came out, and instead of sitting on the bed next to me – as I fully expected – she got on top of me straddling & kissing me. Nothing serious happened, except for a few minutes of kissing, before we had to head to the restaurant.
We met Jack and Amy at a Mexican restaurant. Not the best I’ve been to, but it was OK. I mainly drank my dinner anyway, having several fruit-infused margaritas. After dinner, we went to a nearby bar for a few drinks before heading back to Staci’s house.
That is when things got serious. Once we started going, it got very hot and heavy. To the point where she said she was very forward, aggressively saying things like she wanted me to stick my tongue in her mouth (not that wasn’t happening already), to use my tongue on her more, and at one point she grabbed the waist of my shorts with both hands like she was about to undo them saying “I want these off of you.” But shortly after that, when I suggested heading upstairs (to her bedroom), she backed away and stopped saying she wasn’t ready for that, yet. That break happened about halfway through the entire session together, and we continued on for quite a while after that, just not pushing it further, though she was still pressing and rubbing her hip or upper thigh up against my crotch so she could “feel me”.
I am not sure what is exactly going on with her “not being ready, yet” but I am also not pressing the issue. Clearly all the major signs are there, but whatever that final obstacle is – I don’t know. I’m not sure if she’s just scared because it’s been so long since her last time, she’s just insecure about her body, she wants to make sure I’m in it for the long haul and just not in it for the sex, or if she’s waiting for some sort of “I love you” moment where she’s certain she feels that way about me and/or I feel that way about her. I don’t know, maybe it’s something else altogether. I don’t want to get pessimistic here, but I’ve seen instances where a cheating woman – married or in a relationship – will back off just short of sex, because to her that would be cheating. Not the seeing, kissing and making out with other men – clearly. I don’t think that’s the case here, but that’s the dark, pessimistic side creeping through.
Honestly, I’m really hoping it gets resolved within the next week or so, because I really don’t want to have this still up in the air and unresolved when my son is here. But again, if it doesn’t, it won’t be a deal-breaker or anything.
Even the time in between seeing each other is getting much better. She’s calling more, texting more without me texting first, opening up a lot more when she talks/texts. Even this morning she called right as I was getting up because she wanted to talk to me as she was driving into work. She’s also interested in a lot of other aspects of my life, offering suggestions and encouragement, and making sure I follow through on things. I can’t say I’ve had someone looking after me like that in any relationship I’ve been in over the last 10-15 years.
But it still has it’s moments where I wonder if she’s really interested or not. But again, that could just be the pessimism of relationships past creeping in. I could probably write a whole post on all the negative, pessimistic thoughts I get every once in a while. If you want to hear the dark side, let me know.
Well, that should be enough for today. Not that I put a cap on length, but we’ve crossed the 1500-word mark. I’ll definitely post more, don’t worry. And as always, thanks for reading!