Staci: The Writing is on the wall but still playing the waiting game

For all of you frantically wondering, my procedure went just fine – amazing well, actually. I was in and out in less than an hour (that’s what she said) and the recovery time is nothing what I expected it to be. I figured I would be in a lot more pain, but I’ve only been in slight discomfort – at most.

But I did hang out with Staci Thursday night, before my procedure Friday. It went OK, and was pretty much normal. I’ll admit it was a little awkward. But holding hands and kissing was pretty much normal. She initiated contact, holding and kissing just a much as I did, and at her normal pace. But it just wasn’t quite “normal.” The kissing was frequent, but it was nowhere near as intimate and passionate as it has been. Conversation was good – and normal – but we did avoid what is going on next week.

That was until I dropped her off at her house. Then I brought it up. I had been doing a lot of thinking and had two questions for her. Before I get to the questions, the last thing (other than kissing goodnight and goodbye) she did was bring me gifts for my dogs. Again, if she isn’t interested in us being together, why would she see something for my dogs, think about them, much less actually buy it for them if she didn’t see us being together? I mean, I still want to be with her, but if I saw something that I knew she would love, much less something for her dog or cats, I wouldn’t buy it right now until I was sure what was going on. But I digress …

First thing I asked was if she thought I made too much out of nothing by reacting the way I did the other night. I wondered if she would agree that the whole thing wasn’t anything worth getting worked up over and I overreacted. I have been in that position before where I met with an ex. I told you about the one time, but there have been plenty of other times where it was totally innocent and meaningless. And maybe that is all this would be. All she said was that she totally understood my reaction and didn’t blame me for reacting that way.

Then I asked her a more personal, blunt question. I asked her, why – given all the opportunities I have given her recently – didn’t she just walk away, end it or break up with me. I did, I gave her many opportunities to just say it would be better if we just ended it. Whether it was because she wanted to get back with him, she wasn’t sure about me/us, or anything like that. But she hasn’t (yet). She said that was because that’s not what she wanted to do. She liked me and still wanted to be with me.

Now, I’m not idiot. Like I said last time, I take what she says at about 50% face-value right now. She could absolutely mean it, but my money right now is on the fact that she’s just keeping me around waiting to see how things go Tuesday.

I’ve had a few conversations about what I plan to do if she comes back and says she wants to stay together – after Tuesday. Simple. Given what has gone on, the fact that she has been pulling away (which I will get to more in a second), and her lack of commitment leading up to this, I am fully intending to demand more of a formal commitment from her going forward.

Ok, you may be looking at that a little funny. A demand? An ultimatum? Is that really the best way to go?

Yes it is! Why? Because I deserve better than what I’ve been getting – especially recently. I’m not a backup plan, second option, last resort. And that’s exactly what I look like (to many of you) and feel like. As much as I would love to be with her and see where this goes, I believe I’m worth more of a commitment (at this point) than I have received to this point.

And that’s exactly what I’ll tell her. I’ve had lots of time to think about what I want to say and how I want to say it over the last few days.

Especially since I haven’t heard from her as much as I would have thought, considering my procedure. But again, it has been very up and down. I pretty much did not hear from her yesterday after about 10am when I was heading home from my procedure. She was babysitting her nephews yesterday, so I heard a few casual things from her, but nothing substantial, and it was clear she was still pulling away. Even then, and as the day went on, there was no “how are you doing?”, “how are you feeling?”, nothing. Nothing! I texted her when I was going to bed and heard nothing from her.

Then this morning around 7am, she said she fell asleep early and that’s why she didn’t respond. We exchanged a few messages but still nothing asking about how I was feeling or doing. I went back to sleep and woke up after 10am and texted her again. Then i didn’t hear from her until about 2pm, when she finally called me. Finally, she asked how I was doing, how I was feeling, asked about how my son was doing with my mother in town looking after him because of my procedure. Then we got into a lot of our normal conversations.

We were talking about her being a part of other procedures I’m planning on having, like one to repair a lingering injury to my hand. Then we talked about me getting some new tattoos, which we had been talking about numerous times. Not only did she talk to me like she was still planning on being a part of the whole process(es), but she even initiated several topics and comments. It was NOT just me bringing stuff up and her just going along with it. She even mentioned something about finally getting to hang out with my mom.

Again, either she really means it, or she is just that damn manipulative where she will act like nothing is wrong to avoid conflict. It would have been very easy to just brush off the conversation without committing to anything or adding to the conversation. But she did both.

And the rest of the night has been pretty much back to normal, including her saying that she misses me. She’s out with her friends tonight and has been in contact with me (more than I would’ve expected) and even said she will contact me when she gets home. Now, I’ve heard that before and she didn’t follow through. I’m not expecting her to actually follow through and I am not going to stress about it tonight. Seems kind of pointless right now.

Even though the writing seems to be on the wall that our time is likely running out, there are still signs to the contrary. They could be false signs just to distract me from the truth, which isn’t working very well, but they could be genuine. I guess we will see next week.

You know I will keep you updated. And as always, thanks for reading!

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