Tuesday (and Staci) are gone with the wind

I was right. I say that way too often, and it always seems to be regarding things I don’t want to be right about.

And if you don’t get the headline, you can catch up here.

She met with her ex-boyfriend for dinner tonight. I really didn’t expect to hear from hear tonight. But a little after 9pm she called me. I was rather surprised.

She was straight to the point – after a long awkward silence following the initial pleasantries – I give her a little credit for that. She came right out and said, after talking, they decided to try dating again.

She apologized profusely and said it wasn’t anything to do with me, there was nothing wrong with me. She just felt she needed to follow her heart. And when I pointed out that these things never work out, she admitted that she didn’t feel that way otherwise she wouldn’t have considered getting back together with him. All girls who consider getting back with their ex-boyfriends always think this guy is different, even though she would’ve told her friend to stay away from this guy.

And her friend Amy (from the other posts) – is also NOT supportive of this move, to dump me to go back with her ex. And she didn’t listen to her best friend either. Shocking.

Instead of getting upset and badgering her for (what I thought was) a horrible decision, I took the high road. I said I hope – for her sake – I’m not right this time and that things work out for her (even though I don’t see it lasting more than a month or two). I want her to be happy. I told her she deserves to be treated better than she was previously with this guy. And she said he had a lot to live up to because I set the bar pretty high. Then I asked her “then why go back with him if you’re admitting that I was better for (her)?”

She said (again) she needed to follow her heart, and it wasn’t fair to me that her heart wasn’t completely into it with me. She apologized and said she felt bad, I bluntly told her she should and emphasized that I wasn’t joking.

She commented on how well I was taking things. I said I had a week to prepare for this, so it wasn’t like some sucker-punch to the heart. Plus, what good comes from getting mad or angry? None. It doesn’t change anything and it doesn’t make anything any better.

I told her I hope she doesn’t reach a point where she regrets making the wrong decision and passing on Us. Because if she did end up changing her mind, I wasn’t waiting for her and was moving on with my life. I tried to maintain a level of civility, and was rather blunt numerous times pointing out where I think she was wrong in dealing with this like she did.

Again, she tried to tell me that she had no intention or preconception that they would get together after meeting tonight. I don’t buy that for a second, and reiterated to her that I saw this coming for a week now and had plenty of time to prepare myself for this. So even if she is honest about not having any intention of getting back together with him, I apparently know her better than she does because I saw it coming a week ago. Then again, with the way she was acting this past week, it is obvious to see that she was distancing herself from me for a reason. It wasn’t just a coincidence.

It was short and to the point. I finally asked her if there was anything else she needed to say, and she just repeated her apologies. So I ended the conversation by again wishing she finds happiness and that I would never want her to get hurt again, no matter how much I disagreed with it or how much it hurt me.

And that was it. I immediately set her ringtone to the Star Wars Imperial March and her text tone to the Chewbacca roar (as I do with all ex-girlfriends). And yes I keep ex-girlfriend numbers in my phone for a while, so I know exactly who’s calling me. I don’t memorize their phone numbers, so I don’t want to answer a regret-filled call on accident. After a while, like a year or so, I go through and purge my phone of numbers I haven’t used or talked to in a while.

So now onto bigger and better things. This chapter is over. Time to open a new one.

Thanks for following all of this madness, and as always thanks for reading.

Staci Update: She meets him on Tuesday and small test may be coming

Every siren, warning signal and exit light are going off in my head right now. And Han Solo is whispering in my ear. But I haven’t jumped ship with Staci, yet.

I know you’re asking yourself, “Why, man? WHY??”

It’s not that easy. I mean, she could have walked away – god knows I’ve given her enough opportunities to the last few days – but she hasn’t yet, either. And I think you all know by now, I’ve definitely fallen hard for this girl.

We talked again yesterday, after I sent her a long email describing my feelings about her, us, the situation, etc.

I am much better at expressing myself when I’m writing. I’m not very good at impromptu burst of emotional dialogue, and I usually end up saying something dumb that makes everything worse. So the other night, after she dropped the bomb and I was trying to handle it the best I could, I was very measured and cautious with my responses. So I wanted to clearly express what I was thinking in an email.

Basically, I said I couldn’t see any good reason for her to meet up with her ex-boyfriend. I told her that if she had any thoughts of getting back together with him, I was out, because I would just be a backup, secondary option. And I’m much more than anyone’s backup plan. I also reminded her that if getting back together is the plan, that she too would be his backup plan – and that we BOTH deserved better than that. We also had a conversation about Karma, and I reminded her that this particular scenario was loaded with bad potential Karma, if she did decide to go back with him. She is very much involved with her friends’ lives and their relationships, so I appealed to that side of her by acknowledging I know she knows what is going on here, and if she was her friend, what would she tell herself. I know she would tell her friends to stay away from something like this because it never works. Never! Lastly, I just reiterated how I felt about her, how great I thought we were together, how much chemistry we had together. And then I said I trusted her to do the right thing and tell me the moment she didn’t see a future for us – that I at least deserved that much.

After a day of communicating pretty much like normal, we talked later on that evening. She said she did not disagree with anything that I said. She said she was going into this with him just to see what he had to say. She had not talked to or heard from him since May (even though she saw him a while back). As I pressed about her feelings about possibly getting back together with him, she did not flat out say No, nor did she say she was openly considering it. She would just say she wanted to hear what he had to say first. I pressed further and asked directly, “what if he said he wants to get back together?” Her answer was she will have to wait to see how to handle it when (and if) the time comes. I asked what she wanted me to do until her decision, and she said she would like a little space. I agreed.

However that didn’t last long. Less than an hour, I had to clarify something she said out of context. From there we kept chatting. I told her, “I know what I said, but I just can’t go without hearing from her.” Not if we’re still together on some level. She said she liked that, and was very sweet the rest of the night as we communicated back and forth. Now maybe that was a deliberate test on her part to see what I would do, and exactly how interested in her I am. But if she really meant it, I know she would’ve scolded me about it, because she scolded me about sending that long email to her work email. I know some of you think it gives her too much power to see me that interested in her, which I calculated before saying anything. But I really don’t think at this point it matters either way (good or bad). So I might as well do what I want. And if she sees that I am really that interested in her and Us, maybe that will have an impact on her thought process next week. I mean, staying away could only hurt my chances. Out of sight, out of mind. This way, I stay in the picture, and at least make it harder to just cut the rope.

[Here’s a little asterisk for ya; Every time I say “she says (something)”, I know full well there’s a Believability Factor of anywhere from 50-100%. She could be telling me the whole truth or just part of the truth. Nothing I gather so far suggests that anything she is saying is a flat-out lie. So don’t think I haven’t thought about this, and that I am fully believing everything that comes out of her mouth.]

I hate it, but I get it. I was in a similar position about 10 years ago. There was this ex-girlfriend I was hung up on for years. No matter how serious of the current relationship I was in at the time, I always thought back to the “what ifs” of that particular girlfriend. I mean it, this went on for YEARS. Then one day, we stumbled across each other on Facebook through mutual friends and began catching up. We decided to get together and talk. I will be completely honest (aren’t I always?), I went into it hoping to rekindle something and see what might happen between us. I was single at the time, so it made having those thoughts a bit easier. But it really didn’t take long, once we were finally together, for all of those thoughts to dissipate. Things just weren’t the way I had thought or hoped. It emphasized why we weren’t together anymore. I walked away from that with a solid amount of closure and really felt better about myself, and subsequently it allowed to focus my attention on my current relationships. I was always keeping one eye looking back, not fully attentive to my current relationships, and that wasn’t fair to them. But not anymore.

So I understand the need for something like this – sometimes. And I guess I’m hoping it works out similarly for Staci – as well as in my favour.

Like I said, she sees him on Tuesday. So I don’t know if I am going to hear from her Tuesday night or Wednesday. She says it is just dinner and that she won’t be drinking alcohol, in order to keep her head on straight. I find that hard to believe, because she can be a heavy drinker sometimes, and always have to have something alcoholic when we go out. I commented that it would probably be a good idea to keep her head clear, especially if he’s trying to talk her into something. So … And after the other night, she said she felt it was only right to talk about these things in person. So I emphasized with her that whatever the outcome, she would need to tell me in person, as well. So we’ll see if it Tuesday or Wednesday.

Right now, my feelings are that hearing from her on Tuesday could be either good or bad. She could have a similar experience to mine, and realize how much she really wants us to work and has to tell me that night. Or the absolute converse, where she realizes she has to get back together with this guy and wants to get it over with quickly. However, to me, Wednesday is the worst. Because, the only way Wednesday is good if she is still conflicted after leaving and needs time to think before deciding what to do with “Us.” But likely, Wednesday means she has to formulate how she wants to tell me that she’s ending things and is reluctant to do it. Or, they’re night lasts so long together that she doesn’t have time to tell me what it going on. Or worse yet, they hit it off so well they jumped right back into bed together, and therefore I’m not hearing from her until Wednesday. Wednesday is not good, really, no matter how you slice it. But we’ll see.

And I know many of you are out there shaking your head. Screaming at your screen “She’s just holding on to you as a fallback in case it doesn’t work with this guy,” or something similar. You think that I will just run to her unconditionally if she snaps her fingers or bats her eyelashes. I get it. I totally do. But I’ve thought about that too. Don’t worry.

No matter the result of this, I realize that even if we remain together (somehow) things cannot stay the same. This has shown that I am not “There” yet, wherever “There” is. Basically, it just means this has proven I’m not important enough to her yet. I would love to be so important to someone, that the thought of meeting up with an ex turns into a simple “No, I’m not going.” Or at least, be sitting there with him and be thinking about me so much that she realizes she wants us to be together. But it has only been a few months. I get it. We are not there yet.

So if she comes back, has the closure she needs or whatever, and says she wants us to still be together. it isn’t just going to continue on as usual. If we are to continue on, I want the commitment. No more of this “feeling us out” stuff.

She hurt me with this, and if she still wants to be with me, she has to prove it. That is only fair, especially at this point.

And don’t think I’m just sitting here, staring at the phone waiting for her to have some sort of epiphany and come running into my arms. I’m packing my bags (figuratively, not literally, we didn’t move in together) getting ready to hit the road. I’m dusting off the Match profile. And I’m realistically thinking that there is only a 25% chance we’re still together by next weekend.

But I’m not in any rush, and don’t have any options open right now. So waiting to see what happens next week isn’t interrupting anything anyway. So I might as well see how it goes. You know, it’s like watching that baseball game when you’re favorite team is down by 4 runs in the bottom of the 9th and the best hitters are coming up. It’s a long shot, but there is still a chance your guys can pull off the comeback. So you stick around, standing by the exit of the sports bar watching the game on the big screen. With every out, you step a little closer to the door, but with every hit and every run scored, you move a little farther into the bar.

Right now, the way she is acting and talking with me, makes me feel like she still wants “Us”. So I’m near the exit, but not too close to the door.

We’re supposed to still see each other tonight. Not the same plans we had previously (with Max), but still just getting together for a little bit. I don’t think I can handle being in public with her trying to act “normal” with her. So we’ll see how it goes tonight, if it happens at all. I’m still more than 50% certain she’ll eventually cancel, but I could be wrong. I am wrong a lot with her.

And a small test will present itself this weekend. I hate games and tests, but I will be paying attention to this one.

She knows I am having a medical procedure tomorrow (Friday) morning. She has the day off babysitting her nephews. I won’t be able to get to my phone for a while, but I will be paying attention to see if and when I hear from her. I’m sure I will, she’s too sweet and plays the game too well to not say something know I just went through minor surgery. But what, how, when and content will be an interesting thing to watch tomorrow while I’m recovering. I won’t initiate anything with her tomorrow. Any reasonable person wouldn’t expect me to, given the situation.

And then, she was planning on coming over to check on me this weekend. That will be a bigger gauge of where I stand with her now. I think there’s a small chance she asks me if I want her to come over, and I think there’s an even smaller chance she just comes over on her own without discussing it first. My hopes are not high for seeing her this weekend. It was a definite certainty before, but now, not so much. But we will see.

I’m not going to be very active this weekend, so in between sleeping, reading “The Martian” by Andy Weir, and managing pain, I will probably have plenty of time to catch you up on anything that goes on.

But we are nearly at 2000 words, so it’s time to go. I appreciate you for making it this far! I’ll have to buy you a drink for sticking with me through it (especially if you’re a single lady 😉 ). And as always, thanks for reading!

Staci Update: I’m pretty freaking devastated right now

Today was the first time I thought about ending it with Staci.

OK, before I get started here, I’m just telling you I’m writing this in the wee hours of the morning when I have to get up and go into the office tomorrow, because I can’t freaking sleep.

I’m not proud of that. I’ve had doubts, concerns, and questions about what we’re actually doing here, but I have not thought about breaking up with her before – until today.

And before you all pile on me for not following my own dating protocol: If think you should end it, then end it. Don’t drag it out, I haven’t followed my normal dating protocols to this point with Staci. So why start now? And remember, I was in the military for more than 20 years where my daily life was governed by rules, regulations and protocols. I’m good with living my life that way. I’m not some hippie living his life a free willy nilly. So this is kind of difficult for me.

She hasn’t gone out the last two nights and was intent on catching up on her sleep. Last night went well but the night prior was a disaster as storms caused her animals to go all nuts and she was up at 4am calming them down and cleaning up “messes”. And of course last night, she texts me wanting me to come over and watch TV with her. Of course, her timing was horrible. Where were these offers weeks ago? Last night I had a back to school night and other things on my plate getting my son into the swing of going back to school this week. I said I was fine with us getting together (with my son in tow) but I know she’s not ready for that yet. And I understand that, so it’s not an issue.

And tonight we got together for another concert.

But today was just off. I can’t explain it. Other than to say I think a trend is developing. Things seem really great, like yesterday, with good conversations, flirting, the occasional “I miss you” and such. But today was OFF. And it all seemed to start last night after her conversation with her sister. This is a trend I’m not sure how to interpret. Whenever she has a long (heart-to-heart) with someone, whether it is her sister, roommate, a good friend, or whoever, she gets distant. Sometimes it lasts a few hours, sometimes a couple of days. But then things return to “normal.” I can speculate all day what I think it might be, but I have no real idea. And I’m not really about to ask.

Wait … I didn’t have to ask.

The concert was great. We were like a power couple out tonight. We had a great time, holding hands, kissing, holding each other … you know … the works. It was great. Until I dropped her off at her car.

Do you hear that? That faint whistling sound that’s getting louder and more high pitched? Ya, that’s the bomb about to drop.

After all that, she tells me her ex-boyfriend (remember the one she said broke her heart) contacted her and said he wants to get together and talk, and she isn’t sure what to do or what that means for us. Oh by the way, this came after about 15 minutes of making out in my car before I was going to let her go home.

I couldn’t believe it. I was incensed. What a sucker I am! What a fool I am!

I told her exactly what is happening. He’s an EX for a reason. He dumped her and broke her heart because he wanted something else. And it wasn’t her. Now, something went wrong, and he’s doing what douchebag guys do – he’s going back to the recent girlfriend as his fallback girl because he knows she’s still got feelings for him. And we ALL know how that is going to work out. Not well. I have NEVER seen a couple get back together and have it work out. On top of that, it usually only lasts a short time before falling apart again. I’ve been through it, I’ve seen it 100 times.

So I explained this to her. That if I was her friend, that is exactly what I’d tell her. Stay Away! And I’ve told dozens of friends that exact thing.

So I laid everything out on the table. What I felt about her. What I felt about us. The potential I saw in us. And more. Then I asked her if she thought there was still a chance for us after she talks with him. She said definitely Yes (with about a 50% confidence level).

This could not have come at a worse time. I needed to get my son and take him home because he starts school tomorrow, and it was midnight.

She held me and apologized profusely. I said I can’t believe I’m about to suggest this, because my normal protocol would have been to leave 15-20 minutes earlier. But since I haven’t followed protocol with her yet, why start now. Right? So I said, “fine, talk to him and see how you feel, then let me know.” Well, they aren’t supposed to talk until next week. And she insists she isn’t going to drink in order to keep her head about her, because we know he’s trying to pry her for rebound sex or whatever. I don’t fully believe that, and told her as much. I’m being 100% honest here.

And she said she was trying to be honest with me about this. Which I kind of scoffed at. She knew this was all going on and yet let the night unfold like it did. She knew this was all going on and let me fork out all the money to take her out and buy drinks all night. You can’t tell me that is being “honest.”

I’ll be honest with you all right now. I love her! And I don’t want to lose her. But I don’t have any say in the matter and I don’t think my chances are very good right now. I can’t see her walking away from him if he wants to get back together. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m hoping I’m wrong. And I told her I hope she doesn’t make a big mistake (leaving me for him), and she hoped she didn’t make a mistake either.

I’m crushed. And I’m sure this isn’t my most coherent post.

As we left, she said she would let me know when she got home. She should have been home almost an hour ago. Still no word.

I guess I’ll see what tomorrow holds. I’m not playing it like a normal day. No way. No how. I’ll see if she contacts me at all. And I’m pretty sure our plans with Max for Thursday are also cancelled. I can’t possibly see how I could go out with her like nothing is wrong with this hanging over my head.

Not unless she has some epiphany and calls it off with this ex of hers. Not likely going to happen, but a dreamer can dream.

I’ll let you know how it goes. And as always, thanks for reading.