Staci Update: I’m pretty freaking devastated right now

Today was the first time I thought about ending it with Staci.

OK, before I get started here, I’m just telling you I’m writing this in the wee hours of the morning when I have to get up and go into the office tomorrow, because I can’t freaking sleep.

I’m not proud of that. I’ve had doubts, concerns, and questions about what we’re actually doing here, but I have not thought about breaking up with her before – until today.

And before you all pile on me for not following my own dating protocol: If think you should end it, then end it. Don’t drag it out, I haven’t followed my normal dating protocols to this point with Staci. So why start now? And remember, I was in the military for more than 20 years where my daily life was governed by rules, regulations and protocols. I’m good with living my life that way. I’m not some hippie living his life a free willy nilly. So this is kind of difficult for me.

She hasn’t gone out the last two nights and was intent on catching up on her sleep. Last night went well but the night prior was a disaster as storms caused her animals to go all nuts and she was up at 4am calming them down and cleaning up “messes”. And of course last night, she texts me wanting me to come over and watch TV with her. Of course, her timing was horrible. Where were these offers weeks ago? Last night I had a back to school night and other things on my plate getting my son into the swing of going back to school this week. I said I was fine with us getting together (with my son in tow) but I know she’s not ready for that yet. And I understand that, so it’s not an issue.

And tonight we got together for another concert.

But today was just off. I can’t explain it. Other than to say I think a trend is developing. Things seem really great, like yesterday, with good conversations, flirting, the occasional “I miss you” and such. But today was OFF. And it all seemed to start last night after her conversation with her sister. This is a trend I’m not sure how to interpret. Whenever she has a long (heart-to-heart) with someone, whether it is her sister, roommate, a good friend, or whoever, she gets distant. Sometimes it lasts a few hours, sometimes a couple of days. But then things return to “normal.” I can speculate all day what I think it might be, but I have no real idea. And I’m not really about to ask.

Wait … I didn’t have to ask.

The concert was great. We were like a power couple out tonight. We had a great time, holding hands, kissing, holding each other … you know … the works. It was great. Until I dropped her off at her car.

Do you hear that? That faint whistling sound that’s getting louder and more high pitched? Ya, that’s the bomb about to drop.

After all that, she tells me her ex-boyfriend (remember the one she said broke her heart) contacted her and said he wants to get together and talk, and she isn’t sure what to do or what that means for us. Oh by the way, this came after about 15 minutes of making out in my car before I was going to let her go home.

I couldn’t believe it. I was incensed. What a sucker I am! What a fool I am!

I told her exactly what is happening. He’s an EX for a reason. He dumped her and broke her heart because he wanted something else. And it wasn’t her. Now, something went wrong, and he’s doing what douchebag guys do – he’s going back to the recent girlfriend as his fallback girl because he knows she’s still got feelings for him. And we ALL know how that is going to work out. Not well. I have NEVER seen a couple get back together and have it work out. On top of that, it usually only lasts a short time before falling apart again. I’ve been through it, I’ve seen it 100 times.

So I explained this to her. That if I was her friend, that is exactly what I’d tell her. Stay Away! And I’ve told dozens of friends that exact thing.

So I laid everything out on the table. What I felt about her. What I felt about us. The potential I saw in us. And more. Then I asked her if she thought there was still a chance for us after she talks with him. She said definitely Yes (with about a 50% confidence level).

This could not have come at a worse time. I needed to get my son and take him home because he starts school tomorrow, and it was midnight.

She held me and apologized profusely. I said I can’t believe I’m about to suggest this, because my normal protocol would have been to leave 15-20 minutes earlier. But since I haven’t followed protocol with her yet, why start now. Right? So I said, “fine, talk to him and see how you feel, then let me know.” Well, they aren’t supposed to talk until next week. And she insists she isn’t going to drink in order to keep her head about her, because we know he’s trying to pry her for rebound sex or whatever. I don’t fully believe that, and told her as much. I’m being 100% honest here.

And she said she was trying to be honest with me about this. Which I kind of scoffed at. She knew this was all going on and yet let the night unfold like it did. She knew this was all going on and let me fork out all the money to take her out and buy drinks all night. You can’t tell me that is being “honest.”

I’ll be honest with you all right now. I love her! And I don’t want to lose her. But I don’t have any say in the matter and I don’t think my chances are very good right now. I can’t see her walking away from him if he wants to get back together. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m hoping I’m wrong. And I told her I hope she doesn’t make a big mistake (leaving me for him), and she hoped she didn’t make a mistake either.

I’m crushed. And I’m sure this isn’t my most coherent post.

As we left, she said she would let me know when she got home. She should have been home almost an hour ago. Still no word.

I guess I’ll see what tomorrow holds. I’m not playing it like a normal day. No way. No how. I’ll see if she contacts me at all. And I’m pretty sure our plans with Max for Thursday are also cancelled. I can’t possibly see how I could go out with her like nothing is wrong with this hanging over my head.

Not unless she has some epiphany and calls it off with this ex of hers. Not likely going to happen, but a dreamer can dream.

I’ll let you know how it goes. And as always, thanks for reading.

Staci Update: A Great Day, A Shot to the Heart, then Sexting

No, I’m not going to break into Bon Jovi. But yes, that was a direct reference to the song.

To say this weekend was a rollercoaster with Staci, is putting it mildly. There’s a lot to cover, but I’ll try to be succinct here.

This past weekend was her big concert weekend, except for Sunday, which fell through leaving Sunday open for me. But the concert portion brought a little more drama than I would have originally expected. First there was the matter of running into both her her ex-husband and ex-boyfriend (most recent). Then culminating in her getting escorted out of the concert for getting into an altercation with a drunk bee-hotch. I’ll spare the details, only to say she didn’t actually hit or fight anyone, but I was very impressed and our new running joke is how aroused I am with my newly discovered badass girlfriend.

Sunday started great. We went shopping, for her this time. I ended up buying her a coat she was dying to have and she spent a good amount on new earrings. We had a nice lunch at my favorite mongolian barbecue place, then went to see the new Mission Impossible movie.

After the movie, we went back to her house and cracked open the strawberry-vodka watermelon I made last week for our get-together that was cancelled. Her roommate joined us and we talked for a few hours. Then finally we started to get hungry so I made us the kabobs I also made for our previous get-together.

Everything was going great. She was kissing me, touching me, holding my hand, and everything else was as normal as could be. She seemed very impressed with my cooking abilities. Well, she actually did say it was impressive having a man who knows his way around the kitchen.

Then she asked me if I wanted to go sit outside with her. Of course I said, yes. But that’s when it all turned on a dime.

She said she had a confession to make. That is NEVER a good way to start a conversation. Long story short; she said she was conflicted. Seeing her ex-boyfriend really stirred things up because apparently he really broke her heart when they broke up, and she still apparently isn’t completely over it – the heartache, not him. She even said she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be exclusive with me.

I was stoic for a very long time. Deadpan and silent. But I was still holding and caressing her hand. My silence and expression was really bothering her. She said exactly that. She wanted to know what was going through my mind. I couldn’t break down just one thought, there were millions of things racing through my head.

Finally, I said I wanted to know what this meant “for us.” And I also said I could handle taking things slow. I understood her wanting to make sure “this” was real and that I was for real before jumping to deep into the pool. I told her I was willing to do just about anything to make sure she was comfortable and happy because I thought she was worth it. But I made sure there was one thing I could not, and would not do. That was (me) being in an exclusive relationship with her, if she wasn’t in an exclusive relationship with me and was going to see other guys.

I also explained a few things about how I feel about her, and how I appreciate what she’s done for me so far. Those compliments seemed to be a turning point. But I went back to being stoic. And that really got under her skin. She asked how I was feeling, she wanted to know if I was mad at her. I said I was hurt, confused, irritated, disappointed, and more but I wasn’t mad.

It seems she was clearly conflicted. She was still hurting from before and didn’t want to get hurt again. But she also liked “Us” and where we were. She had to make the decision to stick this out with me, or make a decision to protect herself but possibly miss out on something she really liked. Me pointing this out to her also seemed to ease things for her. I said she can’t live like that. If you’re in a relationship and fearful of getting hurt, you’ll never fully be happy in or enjoy the relationship. Relationship end, that’s what they do. No matter how long you’re together, someone always gets hurt in the end. It’s the risk for the reward of a great relationship.

I also asked again about “us.” That’s when she said she wasn’t going anywhere. Shortly after that, things really started to lighten up. She was back to putting her head on my shoulder, and laughing and kissing me. By the time it was time for me to go (at 1 a.m.) things seemed almost back to normal. But as we were saying our goodbyes, she asked if I was OK. I said, to be honest, I was pretty nervous – about us. She again reassured me that she wasn’t going anywhere, and just asked for me to be patient with her.

All the way through the next day, things seemed back to normal. She called me when she got home from work and we talked for a while. She said she was going to bed early because she was so exhausted from all the concerts and long nights. She called me again around 9 p.m. as she was getting into bed. We made plans to get together tonight, just a casual night of just hanging out together at her house. I said goodnight and told her to turn off her phone to avoid distractions and go to bed.

About 20 minutes later, she texts me. We have a lengthy conversation just playing around about her being distracted. I told her I’d have to come over to eliminate all the other distractions so she could go to bed. Then she said I was the main distraction, which is totally a compliment. It went on until I finally said “What am I going to do with you?”

To say I wasn’t being playful, trying to draw her into a flirting conversation, would only be a half-truth. I was hoping she’d take the bait, and she did. She asked what I would do with her? I asked her to be more specific about a situation. She said she wanted to know what I would do with her when I finally got her clothes off. That led to a very good, lengthy sexting conversation, which culminated in both of us saying numerous times that it would be totally worth the wait. There was no vulgarity or specific detailed acts described. It was very generalized but we both knew what the other meant.

She made sure I knew how flushed, and hot and bothered she was. She also wanted to make sure I knew that she was definitely going to make it worth my wait.

Finally, we shut things down and she went to bed. Still early, but not as early as she had planned.

Then at 5 a.m. I got a text from her saying that she wanted to wrap herself around me, and that she was still worked up from the previous night. And then she told me she had the Ariana Grande song “Love Me Harder” stuck in her head.

So, again, it appears that a small, rough, bump in the road, forcing us to get things out in the open, has actually improved the overall status of the relationship. Things seem more secure than they have been, despite that conversation.

Though I am heading over to her place tonight for a nice relaxing evening together, I am in NO way expecting anything sexual to happen tonight, My money is actually on her saying something about our conversations not leading to anything happening, to clarify her position. If something sexual does happen, and tonight is the night, I will be more than pleasantly surprised. But again, I’m not expecting anything to happen tonight – possibly Saturday night when we get together again – but I won’t turn anything down.

If you have any comments or questions, please leave them below. And as always, thanks for reading.