This is Why I Hate Online Dating, or At Least One of the Big Reasons

There are lots of things to hate about online dating, and only a few things to like. As I always say, it’s a necessary evil – at least for me. And this right here is one of them.

When you’re talking to more than one person and you’ve only got a limited amount of time to make dates, who do you pick and how do you prioritize?

Here’s my situation: As you all know, I’ve gone out with Wanda and have another date set for Thursday. But I’m still talking to a couple of girls that I’ve been communicating with since before I went out with Wanda. Since I don’t want to assign names to them yet, I’ll just call them Potential 1 (P1) and Potential 2 (P2). I would drop P1 and P2 in a heartbeat if I knew things with Wanda were solid. But we’ve only been out once, and recent history has me leery about abandoning other possibilities because you never know what’s going to happen.

Like I said, I have a date scheduled for Thursday with Wanda, but both P1 and P2 have been pressuring me about wanting to do something this next weekend. I am available this weekend. I already tried to book it with something with Wanda, but she has two charity fundraisers this coming weekend. That’s why we’re going out Thursday. I have been skirting the issue trying to avoid committing either way.

Look, I don’t want to date anyone else but Wanda. Period. The signs are all good …

But again, you never know …

I hate the thought of having to go back on Match and start all over again. So let’s break down options I have, and I’m interested to see what you think.

Wanda

You’ve read about the first date. But since then, we did have a hiccup with having to cancel the original date. However, unlike recent incidents (Violet), she immediately rescheduled and has been completely normal with me ever since. She sends me random pictures just about every day of what she’s doing or something interesting. She sent me a picture of her riding her lawn mower wearing a baseball hat, in her bikini top, all while wearing big blue hearing protection. The hearing protection was not flattering, but it was still cute. She was also out shopping for dresses for her fundraisers (that I mentioned) and was sending me pictures of dresses she was trying on. We talk on the phone pretty much every day. She has this cute – kind of high-pitched – voice that is so sweet to hear. She’s even engaging on my Facebook page, like posts and pictures and even commenting.

From the beginning, I have known she is very much like me, in that she doesn’t like talking with a lot of people at the same time and definitely doesn’t like dating more than one at a time. She likes to focus on one at a time, too. And I don’t get the feeling she’s got other options going on along with me.

Now, my interpretation is that if she wasn’t really interested in me, she wouldn’t share the pictures and other things we talk about. If she was just lukewarm on me and us, I’d hear from her just enough to keep things going until the next date (Thursday). But we are also flirty and have lots of good conversations.

Again, I’d be more than happy to shut everything down to focus on her. And I don’t want to make a date with P1 or P2 for the weekend if things go really well with Wanda Thursday night. But I also don’t want to miss an opportunity with either one of them if something goes wrong with Wanda by or on Thursday night. Because then it would be really too late to make plans with either P1 or P2. Thus my dilemma.

Prospect 1

P1 lives just as far away as Wanda, but not in the same town. So, again I’d be compromising my stance on the long distance thing. She’s very much a country girl with blonde hair, green eyes and two kids (a teen girl and boy about the same age as my son). She’s very much into nature, exercising, and sports. She is also the one who seems to be the most interested in me between her and P2. She’s a dental assistant who happens to work in the same town as Wanda, and is always active with something with her kids, her friends or work.

She seems very sweet and genuine. She’s about 5’7″ and very much in shape. Not like Wanda, but her body looks very good in every picture I’ve seen. Now to be bluntly honest, she’s cute but still a little plain compared to what I’m used to. But at this point, that doesn’t seem to be any sort of detractor. If it wasn’t for Wanda, I’d have already set up some time to meet with her. She’s very interesting, and she is the most attentive out of all three options.

She, too, sends me frequent pictures of her and what she’s doing. She’s very respectful of what I have going on and is not demanding of my time. I don’t have any negatives to speak of with her.

Prospect 2

P2 is the most aggressive of the three options. She’s very flirty and playful and likes staying up late on the phone flirting and getting into deep discussions. She is very much into sports as well, and is also active and exercises frequently. She even does fun 5Ks like I do. However, physically, she isn’t the normal type of woman I look for. She’s much more curvy, but still in shape. She’s very cute and looks exactly like Blair from “The Facts of Life”. Again, it is no way a detractor when it comes to how I feel about her or the potential I think she has.

She’s an accountant with 3 kids and is working late on accounts or always shuttling kids from one activity to another. But she clearly likes me and definitely makes time to talk to me. She, too, has been very vocal and eager about finding a time to meet. From talking with her, it sounds like chemistry between the two of us would be rather easy. I would have her listed above P1 on the list as far as my top priority after Wanda, if it wasn’t for a little hiccup we had the other night.

We were talking late, per usual, and she was asking questions about what I was looking for in my woman. I was honest about what I expect and what i’m looking for. She took a few things I said about things I wouldn’t compromise on as being “still angry” about things that happened in past relationships. I said I was in no way angry, just explaining why I have the rules and expectations I have. I don’t want to get burned or taken advantage of again. But she still kept going with that. I finally said she was clearly reading something into what I was saying that wasn’t there. Since then, she has clearly backed off from me. We still talk everyday, but she isn’t nearly as flirty and isn’t sending me pictures daily, like she used to. She says it is because she is very tired, which may very well be the case, but I’m waiting for things to return to normal and still haven’t seen it. So we shall see.

Look, I like the potential I see in both P1 and P2. And I would hate to dismiss both of them, only to find myself back on Match full time next weekend because things didn’t work out with Wanda and I didn’t have any plans.

I don’t like stringing people along. I don’t like having other options still available if Wanda is actually focused on me. I know how I feel when I’m on the other side of that coin. Remember my thoughts on the Talia situation.  But I also know things are still early with Wanda and anything could happen in the next few days or by next weekend.

Do I set up something for Saturday with P1 or P2 and cancel if things go well with Wanda Thursday? Do I hold off until Friday to analyze things with Wanda and try to set up something last minute with either P1 or P2? Or do I set up something with P1 or P2 Saturday and keep it regardless of what happens with Wanda Thursday? Or what other suggestions do you have?

So what are your thoughts? Please leave your comments and even questions below, and lets dialogue about what you think I should do. I’m interested to hear your perspectives, especially from the lady readers out there.

Wanda: Former Fitness Model bends the dating rules in her favor

I wasn’t supposed to go out with Wanda until tomorrow night. She was coming into town for work and to catch a baseball and since she lives more than an hour away, so she’d stay with her good friend that she stays with on her frequent visits here. We really wanted to get together to meet before I went out of town for Labor Day weekend.

But today, she had the day off from work because she’s been traveling for nearly a week straight. She was telling me all of the stuff that she had to do today, including mowing and bailing her acreage. I was working from home today and playfully said I was available if she needed a playful distraction. I totally meant for her to call or text me. She immediately took it an ran with it as an excuse for us to see each other today. She prefaced it with saying she’d only be casual, with her hair in a pony tail and probably little to no makeup.

So we decided to meet this afternoon in the college town located midway between us, at a popular soda shop that sells just about every imaginable type and brand of soda (including international brands). Before I get into the date itself, how about a little background …

Wanda contacted me on Match with a fairly long, detailed message “selling” herself on why I should check her out and give her a chance, very similar to what Uma did. The main concern was her distance away from me. She lives more than an hour away, and my preferences are set to keep things rather local, because on top of my rigorous schedule with my son, having a partner living that far away only complicates the matter further. But she explained that she travels into town frequently for her job, is considering moving here, and has the flexibility with having two older kids (18 and 16) along with an 8 year old (like my son) who spends lots of time with his dad.

She also mentioned the fact that my Age parameters are set to 45 years old – and she’s 46. I’m sure that was much more of a joke, whereas the distance issue was an actual concern.

She travels frequently as an event planner/coordinator for a major bank setting up their corporate events across the country. And, yes – as I mentioned, she used to be a competitive fitness model. Something I did not learn until we added each other as Facebook friends. I don’t usually do that with dates until much later. But she mentioned it, and I ran with it. I wouldn’t have if I didn’t see a lot of potential in this one. Even more than Violet, Talia and possibly even Staci.

I know what you’re all thinking … he says that about all of them; “they have potential.” Well, they don’t make it this far if they don’t have potential. I don’t go on dates with them if I think they don’t have real potential. You don’t see the numerous women I have to go through and talk with before I find one to actually go out on a date with. As recent as this weekend, there were seven (7) girls on my radar that I was talking to off Match (texting or calling) – including Uma and Violet. Now, I’m down to only three (including Wanda), and I may not actually set dates with the other two, especially if things go well with Wanda.

She’s 5’9″ (about the perfect height for me), has a gorgeous smile and captivating brown-hazel eyes, and is just overall very beautiful. Quite possibly the most attractive woman I’ve dated, so far since I’ve been doing this site (but Talia is close, just a bit too short).

Back to the date … I showed up slightly before her and began checking out the place. Before long, she walked in and there was no mistaking it was her. It helps that she’s been sending me pictures just about every day (including today). We immediately hugged and made small talk as we checked out the store together. There was lots of brushing against each other and her standing in my personal space. There was also lots of laughter. After checking out the thousands of different soda brands, we finally settled on four very unique ones (including a chocolate covered maple smoked bacon soda) that we decided to sample together.

After purchasing our sodas (yes, of course I paid) we headed down the street to a local park where we sat next to each other on a bench in the shade. I grabbed my bottle opener out of my car, just in case they all weren’t twist tops. One by one we sampled them. I’d open them and hand them to her to drink first.  Then we would share the bottles, discussing the flavors, checking out the calories and ingredients. Though all the sodas were twist tops, and I didn’t need my bottle opener, they all weren’t easy to open. I even (unknowingly) cut my hand open. Neither of us noticed until I noticed blood on my shorts. It made for good conversation, and possibly a unique memory. Nothing like bleeding on a first date.

While sitting on the bench, she turned her body sideways on the bench to face me, and even put her leg behind (obviously touching me). When it seemed like she was actually rubbing her leg and foot against me, I put my hand on her leg to gauge her reaction. It didn’t phase her. No flinching, no pulling away, not even after nearly an hour like that. She also smiled a lot, not really at anything I said, but right at me while she was leaning in toward me. Almost like she was moving in for a kiss, but I can’t say for sure. I wasn’t about to try and be wrong. That will come tomorrow night.

The time for us to go came way too quickly. We both had to head home to pick up our kids from school. I walked her to her car and we talked about our plans for tomorrow night. Then we hugged – a lingering embrace, not just a quick hug – and she commented on how I smelled (and how she liked it).

We texted a bit back and forth tonight but nothing excessive. She still seems excited about seeing each other tomorrow night, even though it is going to be late (after 9 pm) and not very long (only 2 hours or so).

So we shall see how tomorrow goes. Check back for more updates, and as always … thanks for reading!

Update:  Since posting, her friend has an unscheduled medical procedure tomorrow (Thursday) morning, Wanda isn’t coming to town tonight, she’s coming in in the morning. So our follow-up date has been moved to next Thursday. Still being positive

Uma: Very intriguing vice principal, again making exceptions to the rules

Before my (supposed) date with Violet this Saturday, I met up with Uma.

I originally had Uma scheduled for Saturday night, but a work engagement came up that she didn’t feel she could miss, so we met prior to (both) her function and my (scheduled) date with Violet at Chili’s for a quick drink and appetizers – it was centrally located to both of us.

Uma is a local high school vice principal. She’s in her mid-40s, slightly above average height (not tall), blonde with a very nice body. Even in her baseball-sleeve length t-shirt, shorts and her hair pulled back in a pony tail, she still looked very attractive.

Now before you go bashing her dress code for our “first date”, keep in mind she just came from a function at her school where she was supervising a bicycle safety event being given to young kids. So she was dressed appropriately for that. We had discussed the attire beforehand, and I had no issues with her attire. So, to make her feel better, I was in shorts, t-shirt and a ball cap – dressing down for the occasion. But I still looked pretty good, though.

What makes Uma interesting is that, once again – as with Staci, I’m bending my normal rules to see how this goes. Yes, I hear the collective groan and the cries of “didn’t you learn anything from the last time?” But in fairness to Uma, I can’t blame her for Staci’s issues. However, she is never married, has no kids, and didn’t have a picture on her profile. All three of those things are pretty much instant disqualifiers for me. So why is she different?

She contacted me on Match with a very long, detailed explanation of why she was interested in me and why she thought we should get together and see how it goes (you’ll see this theme again shortly). She acknowledged not being married and not having kids because she was focused on her teaching career for so many years that she didn’t find time for those things. Now, she wants something more substantial. And as far as the picture goes (or lack thereof), she acknowledged that too. Because she’s in the position she’s in, she doesn’t want the possibility of people recognizing her online and having that interfere with her work. She had many pictures, and was more than willing to share them once we started talking. And yes, she looked like her pictures.

Before our date, we chatted and talked several times during the week, but definitely not as frequently as most other women I meet on Match. She definitely seemed more old school and independent, not needing to be attached to her phone and texting all the time. It was kind of refreshing. And for as little as talked, she always still seemed very interested in getting together and meeting. Emphasizing that she was going to make sure we got together before I left for the weekend and it was another two weeks before we could possibly see each other.

She happened to beat me to the restaurant, which never happens. I’m always early. But not this time. I was still early, according to when we said we’d meet, but she was there first. She had ordered appetizers and some drinks. I sat down across from her and we just started chatting away. We were there for a little over an hour, and it seriously flew by. We had great conversation but didn’t really get into anything overly personal. It was good, not awkward at all. I really think we hit it off.

Then when it came time to leave, she tried to pay. I halted that immediately because, well, it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. The guy always pays (at least for the like the first 100 dates or so). And I follow the code; opening doors, car doors, paying the check, not walking in front of her, walking between her and the street, stuff like that. Finally, I won the “battle” and she was very appreciative of the gesture, even commenting on it several times later.

I walked her to her car and we hugged as we talked about making plans for after I got back from my trip.

Things seem good. We’ve talked a couple of times since then. Everything still seems to be on track. But we’ll see. Based on recent history, I can’t count on anything (it seems) until it actually happens.

I’ll definitely keep you posted, and stay tuned later this week as something is brewing for Wednesday. And as always, thanks for reading!

Violet: I’m still trying to figure out what happened with this one

Ok, I’m going to stick with posting about these next two dates out of order. I started going out of order because Violet was planned to happen after Uma, but a shift in Uma’s plans flip-flopped them, but I chose to stick with the names already preassigned.

I already told you Violet and I met for a short date Friday before our actual date Saturday.

Saturday came, I told her I was dropping my son off at the sitter’s by 6 p.m. and suggested we meet at about 6:30-7 p.m. at the new fancy driving range in town. On the weekends, that place has a waiting list of about 3-4+ hours. So I figured we could go, sign in, grab dinner and some drinks and just sit and chat while we waited for our tee time.

We had been talking and texting all day, and the last thing I really heard from her was when she was on the way to the gym in the afternoon. She sent me a “very nice” picture of herself on the way to the gym in her workout clothes.

Then right about 6 p.m. she texted me that she took some allergy medicine, fell asleep and just got up. She asked if we could meet at 8 p.m., saying she still really wanted to see me. I said 8 p.m. was fine, but that we would have to change up our plans and skip the driving range because I had to get my son by midnight (meaning we would have to leave the range by about 11) and we would likely not be able to get a time before then.

I didn’t hear anything back. I was already out and about, all dressed and ready to go. I was looking amazing by the way, if I do say so myself. So I decided to kill some time and drove over to the range to see what the situation looked like. Ya, it was jammed. Parking looked like it was a NASCAR event or something with all the people parked in the grass dozens of rows deep. The wait at 6:30 p.m. was already over 3 hours. So I started making my way back toward home trying to come up with alternate ideas while I waited to hear from her. She lives closer to me than the range anyway, so likely picking something close to us was going to be the best option.

Before I knew it, it was already 8 p.m. and I hadn’t heard anything from Violet. I just assumed she was trying to get ready and out the door and that’s why I hadn’t heard anything more from her. So I texted her asking what the plan was. No response.

It’s been over 24 hours since the last time I heard from her. I was certain I was going to hear from her this morning, apologizing for last night, saying she was too groggy from the allergy meds and just fell back asleep. Or something along those lines. Nope. Nothing. Not a phone call, not a text. Nothing.

So I just ended up hanging out an Irish pub with one of my neighbors. Not exactly how I planned to spend my Saturday.

I really want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she was just out of it with the allergy meds and was too embarrassed to say anything about it afterward. But if that’s the case, she couldn’t have communicated that with me? Or communicated anything with me? While I was sitting in the parking lot of one of my alternate options around 8 p.m., I wanted to see if she was on Match – and sure enough she was. So read into that, what you want. So maybe she was just trying to get out of the date. But nothing leading up to 6 p.m. Saturday night gave me any indication that might be a possibility.

But honestly, if I’m not worth a little effort in the communication department, I’m not going out of my way to see what is going on with her. If it’s that easy to bail on me and not give an explanation or any apology, then fine.

Moving on. I’ve got other options in the works, so no need to dwell on this.

Sorry there wasn’t more to share. I really had high hopes for this girl. Maybe next time.

Thanks for reading!

Talia: Date was great but my son is only 8

By now, everyone should be familiar with my naming game for my dates. I name them alphabetically (so we’re up to “T” since I started this thing) with random, false names to easily keep track and anonymous. And yes, I do have a master list of coinciding real names, but it isn’t stored electronically anywhere in case some Chinese or Iranian hacker wants to try to blackmail me someday.

This update features Talia, a name inspired by the fact that I was watching the Rocky marathon on TV when we were really starting to get to know each other. For those wondering how that ties with Rocky, well, Adrian – Rocky’s wife – is played by Talia Shire. Ok? Moving on.

Talia is about as close to being the opposite of Staci (and many of the other girls I’ve dated recently) as you can get without actually be a dude. She’s a nurse, only 5’4″, dark hair that she has slightly tinted with a redish-purple, busty, very expressive and communicative, and light-hearted. She had been married twice before and has a 24-year-old son and a 15-year-old daughter.

She contacted me on Match and we began talking. We really hit it off quickly and spent the first few days sending countless emails and texts, along with numerous phone calls asking all sorts of questions and talking about everything imaginable. We had SO much in common it was scary. We answered just about every basic question the same, with the exception of her liking fish and me hating it, and her favorite color was Orange … and mine isn’t.

We set up a date for Thursday because she was heading out of town Friday to spend the weekend with an old friend of her’s in San Diego as part of birthday celebration. Thursday was Talia’s birthday. She was insistent that we go out Thursday (on her birthday) because her deceased twin (who passed away 2 years ago in an accident) would want her to spend her birthday doing something with someone that would make her happy [1].

Things continued to develop very well up until Thursday. Lots of talking, texting and selfies. This girl had way too many selfies of herself, and she’d send me a few every day. I mean dozens that she sent me. She was gorgeous – don’t get me wrong – but I mean a bit too many selfies of yourself if you ask me. [2]

But in the meantime, I was a bit stressed out. I was struggling to find a babysitter for my son and was on the verge of having to cancel when one of my son’s friends’ parents (who knew of my situation) invited him along to a pool party they were going to. Yay, saved! So the date was on. I didn’t share these issues with Talia, by the way.

We met for dinner and immediately upon meeting she gave me a very intimate hug. I’m all for going for an introductory hug, if the moment feels right, but this was a bit intimate and lingered. [3] Dinner conversation was great! We talked about her interest in getting married again – she definitely wanted to, but I’m just open to the idea, that’s not my goal here. We talked about past relationships, and somehow we even had things in common with our past relationships and ex’s, so we understood where the other was coming from.

After dinner, since it was her birthday, I asked if there was anything particular she wanted to do for her birthday. She didn’t have any preference. So I mentioned we should just go have drinks at this bar I like to go to that has a rooftop bar with nice cozy couches and always has sports on the TV. She’s a big baseball fan, almost as much as I am. She would text me game updates and ask questions even when I didn’t have the game on. She was on top of it more than I was. Not a bad sign.

She thought that sounded perfect, even though I threw some alternate ideas out. At the bar, on the rooftop, we found a perfect sofa lounger with a perfect view of the game. We talked about random things as well as the game. That’s when she started telling me about this guy that strung her along and messed with her, she thought they were dating but he only thought they were just friends (with benefits). [4] She even mentioned that at some point, she is pretty sure she freaked him out [7], but she wouldn’t tell me how she thinks she freaked him out. So, even though I asked this once previously, I made sure she wasn’t still hung up on this guy. You can guess I’m a bit gunshy on the whole “hung up on ex’s” thing after Staci. She insisted she wasn’t and that it wouldn’t be a problem with us. She even clutched my hand (and didn’t let go the rest of the night) and snuggled closer after I brought that up, as a way of trying to ease my concern.

Well, that was until she mentioned “the other guy.” [5]

Right about the time we set up the date, she hid her profile on Match. She mentioned it to me because she said she wanted to “focus on getting to know” me. So after our discussion, I did the same thing. I really liked her and wanted to see where things were going, and I didn’t have any other serious conversations going on at the time.

Things were going so well, I brought up seeing her again and when she was available. Being a nurse, her schedule is very odd and whacked out. The next Thursday was about the only time I could realistically have a chance of seeing her because she was working lots of weekends and I am going to my brother’s over Labor Day weekend. So I said Thursday would have to do, because I wasn’t going to wait three weeks in between dates.

That’s when she brought up “the other guy.” She said that the day she met me on Match, another guy showed interest in her too, and she has been talking to both of us and she had a date set up with him on Monday (after she got back from San Diego). Needless to say that changed the tone of the whole date for the rest of the night (about the next 30-60 minutes). She insisted that she really liked me and wanted to see me again, but she was going out with this guy because she made the plans with him before she made up her mind about me and didn’t want to be rude and cancel.

Things tapered a little after that, and then around 9pm I said I needed to wrap things up because I had to go pick my son up from the sitter because it was a school night. She knew about the timing from the beginning, so this wasn’t a cop-out or anything. As we walked out, she grabbed my hand and we held hands as I walked her to her car. At her car, we said goodnight and kissed. However this wasn’t your typical first-date goodnight kiss. As soon as I went in for the kiss, she was clearly ready for it and it ended up being a long, deep, passionate type of kiss that lasted a while, not your normal easy, gentle, non-tongued kiss.

After we went our own ways, she texted me numerous times the rest of the night, just like everything was cool. But it clearly wasn’t.

Starting the next day, things clearly started falling apart. I hardly heard from her Friday.[6] I texted a few times to see if she was on her way, etc. Her responses were short and non-engaging. She said she would let me know when she landed in San Diego. She never did. I texted her later that night just to say “I hope you’re having a good time.” I’m guessing some of you are wondering why I was being kind of clingy with her about it. Well, she mentioned early on that she likes to know that her guy is thinking about her and likes to hear from him every once in a while. So I was just trying to make sure I didn’t give the impression I wasn’t interested. But I definitely wasn’t overdoing it.

Saturday was more of the same. I hardly heard from here. And when I did, it was in response to my text and it wasn’t very engaging either. Short, quick responses, then nothing for several hours (meaning like 5-6 hours). I wasn’t sweating it, but I was noting it. I was totally intending to give her her space to enjoy her time with her friend, while also still trying to maintain a level of interest with her.

Sunday was a little better. She communicated a lot more on Sunday, and actually let me know when she got back home. However I did notice she never responded to my question about Thursday. Earlier in the day,I asked her about Thursday again because I needed to make sure I could secure a sitter for Thursday. But I got no answer. After she got home, we chatted for a little bit, and I told her that after she got settled in, and had time later, we should talk about her trip because I wanted to hear how it went. I’m very partial to San Diego after living there for more than 6 years, so I wanted to hear what she did and where they went.

That’s when I got the text message saying she didn’t think we were a match. She thought I was a great guy and everything, but she doesn’t want to date anyone with kids younger than her’s. That may sound a bit odd and selfish, but to her credit, she DID have that written in her Match profile, so it’s not like it was some out of the blue thing. However, remember, SHE contacted me first on Match, and my profile also clearly states that I have an 8-year-old son that lives with me full-time.

And that was that. Just like that, it was over. In retrospect, I shouldn’t be surprised. I mean, if you go back and look at the highlighted numbers (i.e. [1] ) you’ll see some of the warning signs that I noticed immediately and let pass, or that caught my attention later.

Moving on.

And I’ve been getting some questions asking if I have heard anything from Staci yet. NO, I have not. It’s only been a week people. I told you, after a month, maybe two, she’ll realize what a bad idea getting back with this guy was. But the more I think about it, the more I think I won’t hear from her again, and the less I think I want to. So again, moving on!

I hope you all have a good week, and as always thanks for reading! Please share this site with your friends and readers on your own blog.

Dating Profiles: Up, down, on, off, what do you do?

So, you’re dating someone, it’s early on still – no serious commitment level. Maybe you haven’t even had sex yet.

But once you started dating, you had the conversation about your dating profiles. They tell you that they took hers down or hid it because they wanted to focus on getting to know you. So you do the same thing, maybe because you have no problem doing it and think it’s the right thing, maybe you don’t have anything else going on in the dating world so you have nothing to lose for the moment, or maybe you just do it out of respect for them doing it.

So now you both have your profiles hidden.

But after a while, it comes out that your date has been talking to another person and has another date coming up.

That in itself is not the issue, nor something to get all whacked out and crazy about. The issue is what do you do with your profile?

The premise of turning off or hiding your profile was to “focus on getting to know” each other, their words not yours. But they have other people on the line and other dates scheduled.

So what do you do? Do you keep the profile hidden, because you had the conversation and said you would hide it. Or do you open it back up, because they whole “focus” thing isn’t applicable anymore (you didn’t void it, they did), you don’t know if you’re wasting your time with this person now, plus they are talking with other people – so why can’t you? OR do you have another conversation about the status of your profiles, even though they still have theirs hidden but are talking with other people, to gauge their response and get their opinion.

Now, in that last option, I would expect the “fair” answer to be a dominant response. They are going to probably tell you that “it’s fair for you to open up your profile again because they are talking with other people.” Now, they might actually be OK with that, or – if they like you – they’re probably just trying to say the right thing even though they don’t want you to be “back on the market.”

But, honestly, if it was me and I broached the subject, I would ask the question and say I don’t want to hear the “fair” answer, I want to hear their honest answer. Their true gut feeling answer. It’s kind of test, if you will. If they honestly tell you they think it’s ok to do it, that’s not a good sign. But if they tell you they would prefer if you didn’t open it back up, then that would generally be seen as a sign that they are actually interested in you and in pursuing something with you.

Again, I understand people start dating multiple people at a time, it’s totally normal. That’s not the issue. Once you’ve had the “profiles” conversation, and they are still talking to someone they met at about the same time they me you, what do you do?

Let me hear what you’ve got to say on this.

Tuesday (and Staci) are gone with the wind

I was right. I say that way too often, and it always seems to be regarding things I don’t want to be right about.

And if you don’t get the headline, you can catch up here.

She met with her ex-boyfriend for dinner tonight. I really didn’t expect to hear from hear tonight. But a little after 9pm she called me. I was rather surprised.

She was straight to the point – after a long awkward silence following the initial pleasantries – I give her a little credit for that. She came right out and said, after talking, they decided to try dating again.

She apologized profusely and said it wasn’t anything to do with me, there was nothing wrong with me. She just felt she needed to follow her heart. And when I pointed out that these things never work out, she admitted that she didn’t feel that way otherwise she wouldn’t have considered getting back together with him. All girls who consider getting back with their ex-boyfriends always think this guy is different, even though she would’ve told her friend to stay away from this guy.

And her friend Amy (from the other posts) – is also NOT supportive of this move, to dump me to go back with her ex. And she didn’t listen to her best friend either. Shocking.

Instead of getting upset and badgering her for (what I thought was) a horrible decision, I took the high road. I said I hope – for her sake – I’m not right this time and that things work out for her (even though I don’t see it lasting more than a month or two). I want her to be happy. I told her she deserves to be treated better than she was previously with this guy. And she said he had a lot to live up to because I set the bar pretty high. Then I asked her “then why go back with him if you’re admitting that I was better for (her)?”

She said (again) she needed to follow her heart, and it wasn’t fair to me that her heart wasn’t completely into it with me. She apologized and said she felt bad, I bluntly told her she should and emphasized that I wasn’t joking.

She commented on how well I was taking things. I said I had a week to prepare for this, so it wasn’t like some sucker-punch to the heart. Plus, what good comes from getting mad or angry? None. It doesn’t change anything and it doesn’t make anything any better.

I told her I hope she doesn’t reach a point where she regrets making the wrong decision and passing on Us. Because if she did end up changing her mind, I wasn’t waiting for her and was moving on with my life. I tried to maintain a level of civility, and was rather blunt numerous times pointing out where I think she was wrong in dealing with this like she did.

Again, she tried to tell me that she had no intention or preconception that they would get together after meeting tonight. I don’t buy that for a second, and reiterated to her that I saw this coming for a week now and had plenty of time to prepare myself for this. So even if she is honest about not having any intention of getting back together with him, I apparently know her better than she does because I saw it coming a week ago. Then again, with the way she was acting this past week, it is obvious to see that she was distancing herself from me for a reason. It wasn’t just a coincidence.

It was short and to the point. I finally asked her if there was anything else she needed to say, and she just repeated her apologies. So I ended the conversation by again wishing she finds happiness and that I would never want her to get hurt again, no matter how much I disagreed with it or how much it hurt me.

And that was it. I immediately set her ringtone to the Star Wars Imperial March and her text tone to the Chewbacca roar (as I do with all ex-girlfriends). And yes I keep ex-girlfriend numbers in my phone for a while, so I know exactly who’s calling me. I don’t memorize their phone numbers, so I don’t want to answer a regret-filled call on accident. After a while, like a year or so, I go through and purge my phone of numbers I haven’t used or talked to in a while.

So now onto bigger and better things. This chapter is over. Time to open a new one.

Thanks for following all of this madness, and as always thanks for reading.

It’s Tuesday, someone cue the Lynyrd Skynyrd

It’s Tuesday …

That’s all I’m going to say about it. It’s Tuesday.

It started off fairly normal (well, that’s possibly a total lie, but I’ll get to that later) and I’ve got the Lynyrd Skynyrd cued up ready to roll. Sing it with me …

Tuesday’s gone with the wind, Tuesday’s GOOONE with the wind ...”

If you’re not familiar with the song, check it out, then you’ll understand the full meaning of what I’m talking about.

Have a good Tuesday! See you on the other side.

Quick Update: I may have found just the distraction I was needing

You know the ol’ saying “The best way to get over a girl is to get under a new one,”? Well, this is sort of like that, but not exactly.

I’ve heard from all sorts of people (friends, family, readers, etc.) that I should really just cut my loses with Staci and move on. I totally agree – I should – and I’ve been back on Match and pretty much resigned myself that this thing with Staci is over.

She’s been increasingly distant, but this morning she was texting me right away and even mentioned she missed so. So .. there’s that, whatever That is. And the only reason I’ve lingered this long is because, well frankly, I didn’t have anything else going on. No other options, no other women, no upcoming free time to potentially meet someone. So I really had/have nothing to lose by sticking around to see how this whole thing with her ex-boyfriend goes.

Until now.

I spent a large amount of my recovery time this weekend talking with a very pleasant distraction. That’s all I’m really going to say about it right now. I should have a lot more to talk about on the subject after Thursday (if you’re following me).

So … a lot going on this week. The fallout from whatever happens Tuesday with Staci and the likely end to that chapter, and the anticipated opening of a new chapter Thursday night.

Thanks for your concern and comments! I do appreciate them all. And as always, thanks for reading.

Staci Update: She meets him on Tuesday and small test may be coming

Every siren, warning signal and exit light are going off in my head right now. And Han Solo is whispering in my ear. But I haven’t jumped ship with Staci, yet.

I know you’re asking yourself, “Why, man? WHY??”

It’s not that easy. I mean, she could have walked away – god knows I’ve given her enough opportunities to the last few days – but she hasn’t yet, either. And I think you all know by now, I’ve definitely fallen hard for this girl.

We talked again yesterday, after I sent her a long email describing my feelings about her, us, the situation, etc.

I am much better at expressing myself when I’m writing. I’m not very good at impromptu burst of emotional dialogue, and I usually end up saying something dumb that makes everything worse. So the other night, after she dropped the bomb and I was trying to handle it the best I could, I was very measured and cautious with my responses. So I wanted to clearly express what I was thinking in an email.

Basically, I said I couldn’t see any good reason for her to meet up with her ex-boyfriend. I told her that if she had any thoughts of getting back together with him, I was out, because I would just be a backup, secondary option. And I’m much more than anyone’s backup plan. I also reminded her that if getting back together is the plan, that she too would be his backup plan – and that we BOTH deserved better than that. We also had a conversation about Karma, and I reminded her that this particular scenario was loaded with bad potential Karma, if she did decide to go back with him. She is very much involved with her friends’ lives and their relationships, so I appealed to that side of her by acknowledging I know she knows what is going on here, and if she was her friend, what would she tell herself. I know she would tell her friends to stay away from something like this because it never works. Never! Lastly, I just reiterated how I felt about her, how great I thought we were together, how much chemistry we had together. And then I said I trusted her to do the right thing and tell me the moment she didn’t see a future for us – that I at least deserved that much.

After a day of communicating pretty much like normal, we talked later on that evening. She said she did not disagree with anything that I said. She said she was going into this with him just to see what he had to say. She had not talked to or heard from him since May (even though she saw him a while back). As I pressed about her feelings about possibly getting back together with him, she did not flat out say No, nor did she say she was openly considering it. She would just say she wanted to hear what he had to say first. I pressed further and asked directly, “what if he said he wants to get back together?” Her answer was she will have to wait to see how to handle it when (and if) the time comes. I asked what she wanted me to do until her decision, and she said she would like a little space. I agreed.

However that didn’t last long. Less than an hour, I had to clarify something she said out of context. From there we kept chatting. I told her, “I know what I said, but I just can’t go without hearing from her.” Not if we’re still together on some level. She said she liked that, and was very sweet the rest of the night as we communicated back and forth. Now maybe that was a deliberate test on her part to see what I would do, and exactly how interested in her I am. But if she really meant it, I know she would’ve scolded me about it, because she scolded me about sending that long email to her work email. I know some of you think it gives her too much power to see me that interested in her, which I calculated before saying anything. But I really don’t think at this point it matters either way (good or bad). So I might as well do what I want. And if she sees that I am really that interested in her and Us, maybe that will have an impact on her thought process next week. I mean, staying away could only hurt my chances. Out of sight, out of mind. This way, I stay in the picture, and at least make it harder to just cut the rope.

[Here’s a little asterisk for ya; Every time I say “she says (something)”, I know full well there’s a Believability Factor of anywhere from 50-100%. She could be telling me the whole truth or just part of the truth. Nothing I gather so far suggests that anything she is saying is a flat-out lie. So don’t think I haven’t thought about this, and that I am fully believing everything that comes out of her mouth.]

I hate it, but I get it. I was in a similar position about 10 years ago. There was this ex-girlfriend I was hung up on for years. No matter how serious of the current relationship I was in at the time, I always thought back to the “what ifs” of that particular girlfriend. I mean it, this went on for YEARS. Then one day, we stumbled across each other on Facebook through mutual friends and began catching up. We decided to get together and talk. I will be completely honest (aren’t I always?), I went into it hoping to rekindle something and see what might happen between us. I was single at the time, so it made having those thoughts a bit easier. But it really didn’t take long, once we were finally together, for all of those thoughts to dissipate. Things just weren’t the way I had thought or hoped. It emphasized why we weren’t together anymore. I walked away from that with a solid amount of closure and really felt better about myself, and subsequently it allowed to focus my attention on my current relationships. I was always keeping one eye looking back, not fully attentive to my current relationships, and that wasn’t fair to them. But not anymore.

So I understand the need for something like this – sometimes. And I guess I’m hoping it works out similarly for Staci – as well as in my favour.

Like I said, she sees him on Tuesday. So I don’t know if I am going to hear from her Tuesday night or Wednesday. She says it is just dinner and that she won’t be drinking alcohol, in order to keep her head on straight. I find that hard to believe, because she can be a heavy drinker sometimes, and always have to have something alcoholic when we go out. I commented that it would probably be a good idea to keep her head clear, especially if he’s trying to talk her into something. So … And after the other night, she said she felt it was only right to talk about these things in person. So I emphasized with her that whatever the outcome, she would need to tell me in person, as well. So we’ll see if it Tuesday or Wednesday.

Right now, my feelings are that hearing from her on Tuesday could be either good or bad. She could have a similar experience to mine, and realize how much she really wants us to work and has to tell me that night. Or the absolute converse, where she realizes she has to get back together with this guy and wants to get it over with quickly. However, to me, Wednesday is the worst. Because, the only way Wednesday is good if she is still conflicted after leaving and needs time to think before deciding what to do with “Us.” But likely, Wednesday means she has to formulate how she wants to tell me that she’s ending things and is reluctant to do it. Or, they’re night lasts so long together that she doesn’t have time to tell me what it going on. Or worse yet, they hit it off so well they jumped right back into bed together, and therefore I’m not hearing from her until Wednesday. Wednesday is not good, really, no matter how you slice it. But we’ll see.

And I know many of you are out there shaking your head. Screaming at your screen “She’s just holding on to you as a fallback in case it doesn’t work with this guy,” or something similar. You think that I will just run to her unconditionally if she snaps her fingers or bats her eyelashes. I get it. I totally do. But I’ve thought about that too. Don’t worry.

No matter the result of this, I realize that even if we remain together (somehow) things cannot stay the same. This has shown that I am not “There” yet, wherever “There” is. Basically, it just means this has proven I’m not important enough to her yet. I would love to be so important to someone, that the thought of meeting up with an ex turns into a simple “No, I’m not going.” Or at least, be sitting there with him and be thinking about me so much that she realizes she wants us to be together. But it has only been a few months. I get it. We are not there yet.

So if she comes back, has the closure she needs or whatever, and says she wants us to still be together. it isn’t just going to continue on as usual. If we are to continue on, I want the commitment. No more of this “feeling us out” stuff.

She hurt me with this, and if she still wants to be with me, she has to prove it. That is only fair, especially at this point.

And don’t think I’m just sitting here, staring at the phone waiting for her to have some sort of epiphany and come running into my arms. I’m packing my bags (figuratively, not literally, we didn’t move in together) getting ready to hit the road. I’m dusting off the Match profile. And I’m realistically thinking that there is only a 25% chance we’re still together by next weekend.

But I’m not in any rush, and don’t have any options open right now. So waiting to see what happens next week isn’t interrupting anything anyway. So I might as well see how it goes. You know, it’s like watching that baseball game when you’re favorite team is down by 4 runs in the bottom of the 9th and the best hitters are coming up. It’s a long shot, but there is still a chance your guys can pull off the comeback. So you stick around, standing by the exit of the sports bar watching the game on the big screen. With every out, you step a little closer to the door, but with every hit and every run scored, you move a little farther into the bar.

Right now, the way she is acting and talking with me, makes me feel like she still wants “Us”. So I’m near the exit, but not too close to the door.

We’re supposed to still see each other tonight. Not the same plans we had previously (with Max), but still just getting together for a little bit. I don’t think I can handle being in public with her trying to act “normal” with her. So we’ll see how it goes tonight, if it happens at all. I’m still more than 50% certain she’ll eventually cancel, but I could be wrong. I am wrong a lot with her.

And a small test will present itself this weekend. I hate games and tests, but I will be paying attention to this one.

She knows I am having a medical procedure tomorrow (Friday) morning. She has the day off babysitting her nephews. I won’t be able to get to my phone for a while, but I will be paying attention to see if and when I hear from her. I’m sure I will, she’s too sweet and plays the game too well to not say something know I just went through minor surgery. But what, how, when and content will be an interesting thing to watch tomorrow while I’m recovering. I won’t initiate anything with her tomorrow. Any reasonable person wouldn’t expect me to, given the situation.

And then, she was planning on coming over to check on me this weekend. That will be a bigger gauge of where I stand with her now. I think there’s a small chance she asks me if I want her to come over, and I think there’s an even smaller chance she just comes over on her own without discussing it first. My hopes are not high for seeing her this weekend. It was a definite certainty before, but now, not so much. But we will see.

I’m not going to be very active this weekend, so in between sleeping, reading “The Martian” by Andy Weir, and managing pain, I will probably have plenty of time to catch you up on anything that goes on.

But we are nearly at 2000 words, so it’s time to go. I appreciate you for making it this far! I’ll have to buy you a drink for sticking with me through it (especially if you’re a single lady 😉 ). And as always, thanks for reading!